Re: A.R. Ammons, via "Read a Little Poetry"

1.
Why doesn't my love of reading translate into avid writing? I wish it to; I will it to, and, yet, I stare at a blank screen.

2.
Fear of failure is the answer that occurred to me this year. As long as I keep my creative thoughts to myself and don't apply them to paper (or screen), no one can take away my dream of being a writer (because no one even knows that dream exists). Why am I so afraid? I used to exude confidence.

3.
What does it mean to be productive?

4.
Every now and then, I have moments of clarity, honesty. I can look at my life and say, "This needs to change." And when it does - for only the next few hours or days - I am elated, but then I fall into tired, lazy habits, and I'm lost again. Help me stay on the path.

Substantial Plans
K.R. Baab

I can never
know if

anyone
will

read what I've
written:

there’s no
guarantee

that I'll be 

recognized

and yet 

 I desire

to write

still.

Response to the website: Read a Little Poetry (http://readalittlepoetry.wordpress.com/)W 

"Perfunctory"

Perfunctory.  According to Google dictionary it means 'with minimum effort or reflection.' As a vocabulary word to my 8th grade students, though, the definition 'performed merely as a routine duty' is provided.  Which is more appropriate? Are they the same? Though similar, the first definition strikes me as more accurate, more dismal; whereas the second simply recognizes the existence of certain daily routines.

Google dictionary suggests words like "cursory, desultory, brief, automatic... hasty" as synonyms.  Now, desultory means 'without a plan, purpose, or enthusiasm,' but cursory simply means 'hasty,' which means 'hurried, and therefore not detailed.' Those two words are not the same in my mind.

Here's a list of things that are cursory in my daily life:  brushing my teeth, blow-drying my hair, driving to work, going to the grocery store, making peanut butter sandwiches... though these are considerably without joy, it is not because they are depressing activities - mostly just that they are mundane.  They are like small talk with the person in line behind you at the grocery store, or cordialities with the liquor store attendant.

Desultory portions of my day, though - those that are done without a plan or a purpose are things like - wasting time at work when I'm feeling unneeded by perusing the internet, teaching students a curriculum I don't believe in just to keep them quiet for the last 13 days of school, getting into in-depth conversations over matters I don't care to listen to, having arguments with myself over what I should be doing versus what I am doing at the moment, and cursing the driver in front of me (or the waitress, or the pharmacist) under my breath when the matter is out of my hands.  For some reason, though these are equally meaningless, they take all my energy to complete and turn my bowels inside out. It's reprehensible to be wasting time doing desultory tasks when I could be accomplishing something FULFILLING - like reading, writing articles, poetry, letters to friends, doing yoga, walking my dog, talking to a friend on the phone, much less something cursory - which always take precedent over fulfilling tasks in my daily routine anyway.

Why is it, though, that these desultory tasks are the ones that take up all my time?  Is that a conscious decision I am making - how I am choosing to live my life, or is that just the nature of growing up and being a responsible adult -- the joyful activities are exponentially outnumbered by the joyless ones?  That can't be true...  Can it?